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https://ift.tt/2Ri3VdYinjuries-in-dust:
bisexualbaker:
diesel-park:
callmebliss:
injuries-in-dust:
injuries-in-dust:
Give a bored human a screwdriver and you’ll find a pile of scrap where your ship used to be, with a proud looking human sitting nearby.
“Boredom is a dangerous thing to a human.”
“I don’t understand,” Chuul’s mandibles clicked nervously, “why not simply take the tool from the human.”
Minxx’s antennae stood straight up, a sign of shock, fear, or surprise, “You don’t simply take something from a human. If you do they will either turn the ship upside down trying to find it again, or they will replace it with something else that will lead to more destruction.
“I speak quite literally by the way. Human-Mark used to have a tool he called an “Hex Key” he used it to remove the doors to the clothing storage areas in his quarters because he was bored. When he lost it he literally turned the ship upside down by reversing the gravity.”
Chuul’s tentacles curled up defensively, “Gravity controls are locked, how-”
“No one knows how.” Minxx shook her small wings as the memory of suddenly falling upwards returned to her. “but his reasoning was that the tool would fall out of whatever hiding place it had come to rest within. He had not considered that all tables, chairs, equipment, and personnel, would also fall. It took weeks to clean.”
To be fair to the human, Mark had only intended to reverse the gravity in his own quarters but had, quote, “pushed the wrong button.” A sentence which would send fear through any intelligent creature in the known galaxy. To be completely unfair to the human, there were still stains on the ceiling in almost every room of the ship from dropped food, chemicals, various other liquids, and even a couple of empty bowels. Some races just didn’t find the idea of resting comfortably in their sleeping quarters, only to be suddenly awakened as they fell ten feet toward a ceiling which had now become a floor. Mark was no longer allowed near environmental controls.
Minxx continued, “He did not find this “Hex Key.” However, he did find the screwdriver and it seemed to please him when an owner was not located. The captain let him keep it since it seemed that it would keep him from doing any more strange things to locate his original lost tool. We did not consider-” she trailed off as her wings quivered again.
There was silence between them for a few moments, Minxx was almost unwilling to continue and Chuul was almost too afraid to press for more details. Slowly, but surely, Minxx calmed herself enough to speak again. “we did not consider what he may be able to do when armed with a leverage optimiser.”
“We were given shore leave while the ship was being fixed after the gravity incident. Thank goodness the captain took out act’s-of-human insurance or it would have cost the profits from our next five cargo hauls.” The premiums were high, but it was worth it. “After 14 rotations, human-Mark began to complain over the lack of stimulation, he called it “bored.” On the 15th rotation he disappeared for some time and he had hoped he had found some new activity to occupy his time.”
Chuul did, but at the same time didn’t, want to know, “Had he?”
Minxx waved her antennae in confirmation, “he had. He was located in one of the cargo holds, using the screwdriver to dismantle one of the mining probes. To, quote “see how it worked.” It was almost 90% deconstructed.”
Mark had claimed it was almost 10% REconstructed, as he was trying to put it back together again, but couldn’t quite remember where all the parts went. In Mark’s words, the captain was a “glass half-empty kinda guy” (whatever that meant) and wrote DEconstructed on the claim form for a replacement probe.
Chuul’s natural camouflage kicked in and they took on the colour of the chair they were sitting on. “Those probes have no screws for the leverage optimiser to use, how did he-”
Minxx’s wings shivered again, “no one knows how. He just did.”
Chuul was silent for a moment. He’d never served on a ship with a human before. He’d heard they made things “interesting” and if you ever got into trouble, a human was the very best thing to ever have on your side. It was why they were so many job opportunities for humans in the alliance. All the same…the thought of a human causing such damage and destruction just because of a lack of mental, or physical, stimulation was a more than a little frightening. What if the human wanted to see how the engines worked, or the weapons?!! “Maybe I should transfer to another ship.”
Minxx’s antennae curled, a smile to her race. “You are safe. The captain has found a way to occupy our humans free time. During our last stopover, he commissioned a shiny orb be constructed.”
Chuul coked their head, “what is a shiny orb?”
Minxx’s curled antennae moved up an down; a sign of mild laughter. “It is nothing. A sphere made of shiny metals, humans do like shiny things, roughly two feet diameter made of a collection of gears, levers, screws and switches which appear complex and should have a function, but do entirely nothing. The captain handed it to Human-Mark and stated: “see if you can fix this.” and Mark has been “tinkering” with it during his off-duty hours for almost 24 rotations now. He can take it apart and rebuild it as many times as he likes, but it will never perform any task.”
Chuul was just thinking about how their captain must be a genius, when the door to the mess hall opened and Human-Mark entered. He was carrying the shiny orb under one arm, and his screwdriver in the other hand. He looked around, seemingly not noticing any of the crew members. He smiled when he spotted an empty liquid container and sat down at the table with the cup.
Chuul and Minxx watched curiously as Mark set the orb on the table in front of the cup. He used the screwdriver to tighten one small screw and flipped a switch. At once there was a whirring and clicking of clockwork, a blinking of lights hidden in the depths of the machine and even a TING from a small bell. Then a small funnel-shaped piece of metal opened up in the side of the machine and poured a small amount of hot, black, liquid into the cup.
Mark jumped to his feet, pumping the air and yelling loudly enough to send Chuul’s camouflage reflex off again. He grabbed the orb, abandoning the cup of steaming hot liquid, and moved to the door.
Minxx stared after them, “Human-Mark?”
Mark only paused for a second in the doorway. He was prominently displaying his predatory teeth. Chuul had read about these “smiles” but it was still disturbing to see. “Can’t stop Minxy. I gotta let the captain know I fixed his coffee maker.”
With that, he left. Leaving Chuul and Minxx frozen in place, dumbfounded.
Wherever Chuul was going to transfer to, Minxx began to hope she could get a posting on the same ship.
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what_are_even_humans[Gif: A green woman from Star Trek clapping enthusiastically.]
—
Chuul manages to successfully transfer ships. They transfer several times, in fact, because humans are known for their pack bonding instincts and unwillingness to let even one of their chosen people disappear for any length of time; they are fairly certain that they didn’t spend enough time with Human Mark for his pack bonding to take effect, but they are taking no chances.
At last they make it on a crew that they are certain is safe from human interference and the deadly condition known as “boredom”. They make it through three whole rotations before they learn just how wrong they were.
Chuul rushes to the commissary for a soothing drink, having just missed colliding into the crew’s human near one of the transport modules. Human Molly had smiled and introduced herself, then asked if Chuul had any particular chemical sensitivities or immune reactions she should know about; Chuul had stuttered out a list of typical materials that could be deadly or even just irritating to its species that humans frequently used, terrified, and Human Molly had nodded and thanked them for the information. Chuul had escaped the interaction as quickly as possible, wings still vibrating as they order a flask of Gitrahn. Slowly, they make their way to a table.
The human had asked if they had any chemical sensitivities. And, like a fool, they had stood there and told her. Who knew what sort of damage the human could cause with that information, even accidentally?
Liniss joins them at their table, a steaming bowl in front of him. He quickly notices Chuul’s distress. “Crewmate Chuul? What’s wrong? I thought you were settling in well.”
Chuul clicks their mandibles a few times before speaking. “Please forgive me, Crewmate Liniss, but I was unaware that there was a human on the crew of this ship. I do not wish to be speciesist, but on my last posting there was a human who frequently suffered ‘boredom’ and caused much havoc and trouble for his crewmates, and I heard it is a condition that humans frequently suffer. I may need some time to adjust to working with another.” Privately, they were already making plans to transfer again, but Liniss didn’t need to know that yet.
Liniss’ ear flaps rustle in understanding. “I see why that might distress you! You need not worry, though, Crewmate Chuul; you see, our human has a Hobby.”
Chuul’s antennae twitch skeptically. “I have not heard of a ‘Hobby’ before. Is it anything like a shiny orb? The human on my previous crew was given one and managed to make it do something in a mere twenty-five rotations; I do not wish to live through a repeat of that incident.”
Liniss’ throat sac swells with amusement. “A Hobby is somewhat similar, this is true, but only in that it is something to keep a human occupied and prevent an onset of boredom. Hobbies, however, come with specific limitations on the materials that may be used and how they may be performed. Rather than taking things apart, Human Molly uses fiberous threads to create things, many of which she gives to her fellow crewmates and some of which are quite ingenious.” Liniss gestures to his head. “Do you see my cranial covering?”
“I do,” Chuul says, startled by the change of subject. They had been admiring it since Liniss joined them. “The pattern work is quite fascinating! And it appears to be quite comfortable, as well.”
“Human Molly made it for me,” Liniss tells Chuul with pride.
Chuul’s mandibles go limp and they almost drop their flask. “Truly?”
“Yes! She says she created it with the human craft-hobby known as ‘knitting’, though she also said she usually prefers the one called ‘crochet’. Do not be surprised if she gifts you with something before the cycle is out; she claims that she does not have enough room to keep all of the items she makes for her hobby, and while she can and does sell them at trading ports at an incredible profit, it seems to stimulate her pack bonding and pleasure hormones to make items specifically for her crewmates as well. Has she already asked you if you have chemical sensitivities?” At Chuul’s assent, Liniss continues. “Then she may already be planning a gift for you, to ‘welcome’ you to the crew. She takes great pride in creating things that the recipients will enjoy, and frequently points out that a bad reaction to a material used will surely ruin the recipient’s enjoyment.”
Chuul’s wings were quivering again, this time with a cautious hope. “And you have had no problems with ‘boredom’ from Human Molly?”
“Only once or twice,” Liniss admits, “when Human Molly was injured and unable to perform her hobby. Both of those times, we were able to mitigate the destructive effects of ‘boredom’ by assigning crewmates to stay with her during waking hours and make sure she had entertainment available. I believe Klynz even managed to successfully introduce her to Urestrenian broadcast programs, and they now watch new episodes of their favorites together as they are released! Human Molly even crafted a lookalike of Klynz’s favorite character from the broadcast as a result. Rest assured, Crewmate Chuul, as long as you take the right precautions and make sure humans have at least one hobby and the correct materials to perform it, there should be no trouble at all caused by ‘boredom’.”
Chuul’s wings are practically vibrating as they take in the information. “Do you think,” they suggest, mandibles clicking hopefully, “that if I told you my favorite colors, the information might find its way to Human Molly somehow?” The prospect of working with a human had just become a lot more appealing.
So wholesome!