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marzipanandminutiae:
flyawaymind:
marzipanandminutiae:
“We’re engaged now and setting out on the sea of life together in our little raft.” dude you’re both rich as Midas. you’re setting out together in a yacht, minimum
Increasing amounts of “per my last email” in letters between Husband and Father-In-Law discussing Wife’s income from the family fortune
Husband: “HAVE YOU HAD THE BABY YET I’M SO WORRIED I WADED THROUGH A FLOOD TO GET TO THE POST OFFICE”
Husband: “Get the baby a suit of armor or I’m sure to crush her with hugs when I get home”
Wife: “Teenage Daughter, could you send me my gold lamé turban?”
I sat there staring into space mouthing “what” for like a solid minute
I want to see this hat SO BADLY
Husband: “Son was firing his toy cannon at my office door, so I had to sally forth and valiantly seize the enemy munitions!”
Teenage Daughter: “My friend and I had our mutual admirer guess which of us had made which pudding to win a pair of gloves from one of us.”
Wife quotes Byron NONSTOP
Wife: “Fuck slave-owners and fuck the Missouri Compromise.”
Yes, they were abolitionists
Yes, they actually did treat their servants well and pay them fairly
Husband: “That old widow I rent to is behind with her payments, but don’t evict her because that would be inhumane, especially since it’s winter.”
Husband: “Wife, remember to wear your flannel petticoats to stay warm- and so I can take them off you when I get home.”
Also Husband, not paraphrased: “How close I should lie to you and how hard I should love you if I were there.”
WONDER WHY THEY HAD 11 KIDS
Husband: “On our tenth anniversary, I just wanted to say that you’re as beautiful to me as always and I love you the most that anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of the world.”
Wife: “Hi yes I also love you the most that anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of the world.”
Wife: “My handwriting sucks and I’ve burned three attempts at this letter already but HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS AWESOME TREE I SAW BESIDE THE ROAD YESTERDAY”
Husband makes so. many. puns. Help.
Wife: “Send two or three pounds of the best chocolate you can find, please.”
Husband: “We have ice cream with dinner every day here- don’t be jealous!”
Husband: “Young Adult Daughter, I wrote a poem about your rejected suitors. Here it is.”
Unfortunately I cannot remember the poem at the moment. But there was a part like, “And as for Frank Lyman/He’ll never be my man.”
Just roasting a bunch of young men with surnames you now see on Boston street signs
To Be Continued.
op please post the husband’s puns. I need them for reasons.
the best one I can recall is his Sick Burn™ at a fellow Massachusetts congressman after said colleague made a stupid mistake
the man’s name was Salem Towne. yes, really. Husband said that his parents were a few miles off when they named him
“They called you Salem Towne, but they should have called you Marble Head [Marblehead being a town near Salem].”
Badum-tss
marzipanandminutiae:
flyawaymind:
marzipanandminutiae:
“We’re engaged now and setting out on the sea of life together in our little raft.” dude you’re both rich as Midas. you’re setting out together in a yacht, minimum
Increasing amounts of “per my last email” in letters between Husband and Father-In-Law discussing Wife’s income from the family fortune
Husband: “HAVE YOU HAD THE BABY YET I’M SO WORRIED I WADED THROUGH A FLOOD TO GET TO THE POST OFFICE”
Husband: “Get the baby a suit of armor or I’m sure to crush her with hugs when I get home”
Wife: “Teenage Daughter, could you send me my gold lamé turban?”
I sat there staring into space mouthing “what” for like a solid minute
I want to see this hat SO BADLY
Husband: “Son was firing his toy cannon at my office door, so I had to sally forth and valiantly seize the enemy munitions!”
Teenage Daughter: “My friend and I had our mutual admirer guess which of us had made which pudding to win a pair of gloves from one of us.”
Wife quotes Byron NONSTOP
Wife: “Fuck slave-owners and fuck the Missouri Compromise.”
Yes, they were abolitionists
Yes, they actually did treat their servants well and pay them fairly
Husband: “That old widow I rent to is behind with her payments, but don’t evict her because that would be inhumane, especially since it’s winter.”
Husband: “Wife, remember to wear your flannel petticoats to stay warm- and so I can take them off you when I get home.”
Also Husband, not paraphrased: “How close I should lie to you and how hard I should love you if I were there.”
WONDER WHY THEY HAD 11 KIDS
Husband: “On our tenth anniversary, I just wanted to say that you’re as beautiful to me as always and I love you the most that anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of the world.”
Wife: “Hi yes I also love you the most that anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of the world.”
Wife: “My handwriting sucks and I’ve burned three attempts at this letter already but HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS AWESOME TREE I SAW BESIDE THE ROAD YESTERDAY”
Husband makes so. many. puns. Help.
Wife: “Send two or three pounds of the best chocolate you can find, please.”
Husband: “We have ice cream with dinner every day here- don’t be jealous!”
Husband: “Young Adult Daughter, I wrote a poem about your rejected suitors. Here it is.”
Unfortunately I cannot remember the poem at the moment. But there was a part like, “And as for Frank Lyman/He’ll never be my man.”
Just roasting a bunch of young men with surnames you now see on Boston street signs
To Be Continued.
op please post the husband’s puns. I need them for reasons.
the best one I can recall is his Sick Burn™ at a fellow Massachusetts congressman after said colleague made a stupid mistake
the man’s name was Salem Towne. yes, really. Husband said that his parents were a few miles off when they named him
“They called you Salem Towne, but they should have called you Marble Head [Marblehead being a town near Salem].”
Badum-tss